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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, by Alfie Kohn
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Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they're told?” and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need—and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including “time-outs”), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.
More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting—including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
- Sales Rank: #20527 in Books
- Brand: Kohn, Alfie
- Model: 1668488
- Published on: 2006-03-28
- Released on: 2006-03-28
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.44" h x .70" w x 5.50" l, .53 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 272 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Author of nine books, including the controversial Punished by Rewards, Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards. Kohn, the father of young children, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally—that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, bribes and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true. Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humor and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out). This lively book will surely rile parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace Kohn's message. (Mar.)Forecast: Kohn is a controversial and popular author/speaker, well regarded by scholars and educators. This title should appeal to parents who want to explore the "whys" and not just the "hows" of raising kids.
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Review
"Powerful alternatives to help children become their most caring, responsible selves." -- Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen . . .
About the Author
Alfie Kohn is the author of nine previous books, including Punished by Rewards and The Schools Our Children Deserve, that have helped to shape the thinking of parents and educators across the country and abroad. He lectures widely and lives (actually) with his family in the Boston area and (virtually) at www.alfiekohn.org.
Most helpful customer reviews
293 of 300 people found the following review helpful.
A must read for all parents
By C. Pettis
I was skeptical before reading this book. No time outs? No punishments, no rewards? There's a problem with praise? I was even skeptical for the first few chapters. But by the end, I was won over by the sheer amount of research backing up Kohl's parenting philosophy.
I told my husband when I finished it that I was going to try it. We were done with time outs, punishments and praise. My husband raised his eyebrows but went along. While I can't say that we've done this perfectly, the change this wrought in the behavior of our oldest (4 yrs old) was amazing. So much so that my husband said about two weeks later that whatever it was that I was doing differently, I should keep doing it. Her preschool teacher remarked that my daughter just seemed to "really change, really grow" all of a sudden. Truly, it was remarkable.
It should be noted that this is not a "how-to" book. There are not a lot of practical examples of how to parent as Kohl suggests. For this, I would suggest reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish (as well as their other books).
Even if you end up not agreeing with this book, I would suggest reading it since it will challenge you to think critically about what kind of children you want to raise and how they way you parent affects them.
ETA: It's now been two years since I first read this book and I would still consider this the most important, even if not most helpful, parenting book I have read. It not only transformed my parenting but it gave me tools for sorting through the mounds of often contradictory advice out there. Reading this put me on a quest to build a better, more effective parenting toolbox, and I am so grateful for having learned better ways of responding to conflicts with my children (and for seriously reducing said conflicts as well!). For books helpful in this manner, I would also recommend reading Larry Cohen's "Playful Parenting" and Mary Sheedy Kurchinka's "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles."
102 of 114 people found the following review helpful.
A much-needed shift in thinking about parenting
By Mark S. Meritt
This is perhaps one of the most important books I've read.
It makes a strong case for why both punishment/criticism/consequences and rewards/praise not only are ineffective in getting kids to do what we want but also cause lasting harm to kids' development. It provides many great insights toward alternatives, all flowing from the idea that we must unconditionally meet children's needs, that this is how we can give kids a solid foundation upon which to develop healthfully.
Yet the book is certainly not about being a pushover as a parent. The punishment/reward opposites it criticzes are distinguished as, themselves, just one side of another pair of dysfunctional parenting opposites. They are just different ways to use power to control kids. On the other hand is permissiveness, which is also ineffective. The book makes clear that it is both possible and necessary to be a parent, to set boundaries, and that it's simply a question of how one does so, respecting kids as human beings and seeking to work with them toward positive ends rather than do things to them that can't possibly move them toward the ends we want.
UP sheds a great amount of light on parenting, education and, if one is willing to extend its ideas, communication in general, even among adults. On top of all this, it is an easy and enjoyable read.
For those already interested in approaches such as attachment parenting, unschooling, positive discipline, etc., this book is a must read, giving perhaps the broadest picture possible about why these various approaches are so necessary and providing ways for people to make connections among them.
For anyone who is a parent of a child of any age, for anyone who relates with kids of any age, and really for anyone who wants to improve their communication and their relationships in general, I highly recommend that you find an opportunity to read this book soon.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
A MUST READ!!!!!!!!
By reflectionmommy
This book is an absolute must-read on parenting. I was fortunate enough to come across this book when my oldest was a baby. I didn't know how it would work, but I was committed to the book's principles which really resonated with me. My son is now 4.5 years old, and I can tell you that this is a wonderful, loving, close, gentle, respectful way to parent, that pays more and more dividends as time progresses. I've watched my son blossom from a very intense and high-need baby/toddler to a very intense, active, loving, generous, kind boy. Did Unconditional Parenting change his basic independent, challenging, engaging personality? Of course not. Nor would I want it to. It took millions of years of evolution to give us all the wonderfully diverse personality types we see today. But he wasn't an "easy" baby, and he's not an "easy" child. But I see him mirroring his treatment of me and others by my treatment of him. He has a high respect for himself and others. He's happy,healthy, and thriving with the help of unconditional parenting (and attachment parenting).
Update: (7-9-2011) Well, I've definitely had some parenting ups and downs since my last review. Have had some challenging periods. Got sucked into some more traditional discipline techniques, and had that spiral downward. I desperately began searching for specific advice, and found "Parent Effectiveness Training." That changed everything. P.E.T. gave specific advice about how to implement respectful, non-behavioral-modification discipline, and by discipline I really mean problem-solving. It's the nuts and bolts of how to effectively problem solve with not only children, but everyone in your life, for those of us whose parents were unaware of how to teach us these skills, as they were not taught to them by their parents either. Now, P.E.T. and UP has given today's parents the opportunity to stop the cycle of ineffective, disrespectful parenting.
Unconditional Parenting gave me the knowledge and the "proof" to keep looking for respectful parenting strategies, but if you have strong-willed kids, like me, you need more. Read P.E.T. and then "How to Talk...." after that. Definitely Read UP to give you the fortitude to trust in avoiding punishments and rewards. I can tell you from personal experience, punishments and rewards start backfiring in a vicious way with strong-willed kids! And from my own childhood, I can tell you that they can interfere with a more pliable kid's sense of self.
If you want to have a respectful, satisfying relationship with your children, if you want to raise them to take responsibility for their own behavior, without a carrot or a stick in the wings, then read the aforementioned books!
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